Why Is Everyone Obsessed with ‘Red Flags’ But Not Working on Themselves?
- Neha Kumari
- Jul 18
- 5 min read
We are in a culture that is eager to criticize mistakes, but not quick enough to turn the eye inward. To say a person is a red flag, she is toxic, or they should get therapy is the new meme we share all the time, even when it is not in our best intentions.
However, as we examine people through microscopes trying to find any possible defect in them, we do seldom ask ourselves:
And are some red flags me?
And now, it is the era of the relationship hyper-alertness- we are aware of all the symptoms of the narcissist, and yet we only begin to realize how much of an emotional infant we are.
Red Flags a Plenty- But Then There is the Mirror?
This is one of the hobbies we have developed in order to spot red flags. The step-by-step instructions on recognising manipulation, trauma bonding, gaslighting are the newest content, Instagram infographics, TikTok storytimes, Twitter threads are filled with them.
On the one hand this awareness is very strong and sinister, on the other something has gone awry.
The Problem?
We use so much time to tell whom we should not date and forget to ask the question whether we are ready to date or not.
We are more prone to define someone as an emotionally unavailable person, whereas we cannot admit that we are afraid of being vulnerable.
It is simpler to write someone off as being the perp of a love bomber than to own up to the fact that we are "in the closet" addicts to the euphoria of being affirmed.
We all have wounds, defense mechanisms and habits we have acquired through having experienced pain and yet we seldom take time to work on them.
We are trying to find healthy partners and remain loaded with unhealthy habits.
Psychology of Projection
It is called projection in psychology — transferring the feelings and fears, or the qualities about someone onto another person. To illustrate the point, one who has commitment issues could be saying that his or her partner is always distant.
Or a person who has some troubles with trusting other people will accuse them of being sneaky with no actual evidence.
There are times when we may not be talking about a person when we overuse the word red flag. Here we talk about our triggers. Even normal behavior can feel dangerous to repair the triggers that are not healed.
This is the reason why self-work is and should be so fundamental: it is not only to guard ourselves, but also not to turn into what we call the feared ones.
Treatment Is Ugly
Self-awareness is not all that glamorous as calling someone out. The process to healing is sloppy. It’s uncomfortable. It is coming clean with our egos, our defense mechanisms and our emotional laziness or fear of intimacy.
It does not always mean writing with candles and meditating with crystals, sometimes healing takes the form of facing your guilt rather than pointing the finger to your ex. It appears like apology when you lose temper, communicating skills, or even confess you are an emotional wallflower.
The type of work that changes who we are attracted to and how we love the most is not trending on social media, though.
Therapy Does Not Only Help a Broken-Person
Another enormous misunderstanding is that only the people with trauma, depression, or diagnosed disorders could receive therapy. As though it is only injury and these persons come to the gym.
Therapy will enable you to know communication style, boundaries, attachment styles and values.
It provides you with vocabulary to your emotions, educates you in conflict resolution, and retrains pernicious beliefs. It enables you to identify your red flags, not only other people.
Think of a world where no one would judge what others experienced in a traumatic way without having evaluated their trauma.
Dating Is Not Blame Game
We all mix-up standards with control. I need the person without baggage, I only date people who are emotionally healed, I do not have time to deal with drama, etc. - that sounds firmly grounded, can be fear under a new name.
We are demanding assurances.
We desire ideal mates because we do not want to face the unpleasant aspect of connection. Yet the fact is: All people have baggage. The thing is - are they taking it with awareness?
The same is with us. We should take responsibility in what we bring on the table in relationships. That involves owning up to being jealous, our communicational gaps, our emotional availability and our patterns.
Love is never about searching a perfect person, but it is about being ready to evolve.
Accountability Is the Actual Green Flag
This is one of the shifts you can adopt: Instead of worrying of red flags, seek ones that are green in others and within you.
Are they accountable?
Are they in tune with emotions?
Is it possible that they can control their emotions without striking back?
Do you do so?
Being environmentally friendly is not always hot. They are not exciting as the mess of abusive cycles. However, they result in peace, safety, and actual loving relationships; much better nutrients than short-term chemistry.
The Place of Social Media
The fact is, the social media gives a comfortable opportunity to compare others to villains and promote ourselves.
We share memes that say I deserve better and do not change anything. We ridicule other people because they have attachment issues when what we are doing is secretively ghosting others.
we read books by so-called experts on relationships that tell us how to get what we want out of other people unless we stop to think about what we are offering the other person.
The fact is: the most viral telling is usually one-dimensional. The cure does not play in 15-second reel. Effective development involves depth, silence and honesty with oneself.
Last Thoughts
There is nothing bad about seeing red flags, on the contrary, it is healthy. However, it becomes a bad habit when we obsess about the flaws of other people in order to prevent any healing ourselves.
Thus the next time you use the phrase red flag on someone, just ask yourself; is it something I am working on regarding becoming a green flag to someone?
After all, relationships do not consist of some kind of victory or diagnostic. They are all about connecting. And interconnection starts with self-cognition.
📅 By News Anek Digital Desk | July 18, 2025
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